We have hit the ground, almost 2 weeks in, here in South Africa. It truly is a whirlwind no one can properly prepare you for. No one can understand. It is so deeply provoking and enraging and liberating all at the same time. A nation with arms so long they can reach deep into the deepest of places within your soul and stir up waters you knew not existed.
I am angry. I am offended. I am burdened.
To soldier on, you must effectively cut ties with your old life. Slice off so violently any chords that still remain to your heart. That, back there, is no longer your life. What you see so easily captured on social media, is no longer your own. You do not have a part in it. You have lost the key - the access code - to ability to step into that world. Things that felt so slightly uncomfortable at the time, feel like the safest, most comfortable of things as of now. You are now exiled from your own home - thrust into a place that feels dark and heavy and oppressive - a city and a nation built upon soil filled with blood screaming for retribution.
Any sense of discernment cannot silence those screams. The groans for justice. For redemption. And the blood still pours - while American life strolls along completely disconnected from the suffering of the nations. I'd like to walk along whistling too, as I use to, oblivious. It's like walking on clouds - not being forced to be grounded so deeply into such a broken world - full of murder and hate and violence and fear and oppression. It's not a news station you can turn off when you please. It's staring at you through the eyes of the passerby's and those that walk miles two and from their barely paying jobs for the white men. Staring at you - recounting their sorrows - at times ripping your skin from you soul and seeing you only as that. The iron-fisted, treacherous white man that stole their land, their dignity, their peace.
It's hard to assume who is who. Are you angry at me? Do you hate me?
I worked in a prison for a small while - putting on my badge and living with eyes always opened. No space left unturned, no door left unlocked - all are able to turn on you - waiting for a moment of mishap or weakness. No longer does an uncalculated move mean a more long and laborious morning - where perhaps you need a locksmith or have to cancel your debit cards from a lost wallet - here it could mean your life. Truly.
How does one carry such an awareness without draining away all energy. Not locking yourself up in your room - hiding away from such a harsh world. To engage free of fear. To live and move and breath in such hostility. Trust people.
The answer is truly fellowship with the Godhead. It's a necessary connection to the King of the Nations - the One who holds the entire universe in His palm. Who is a moment can wipe out armies from a mere word from His mouth. The Shifter and the Shaker. If I have come to labor alone - it is for nothing. I must quit - because it's not even safe. It's stupid. IT IS STUPID to be here apart from the vine. It is suicide. Without connection and collection from a Friend - I am a walking target for darkness. I need light within and around. I need power before and behind. I need a voice that says, "Here is the way - walk in in it." No longer is my desperation to preserve a sinking heart, but it is truly to remain alive and in the light. Outside of His will does not appear lonely, but devastating. It's death. To live is to cling to Him like a teething child, it's to lay almost lifeless like a newborn crying without words as if to say, "Take me here and there. Feed me. Cloth me. Left to my own devices I cannot survive."
I'm not even crawling today, I'm laying in the arms today. That's all I can muster to do.
It's hard to assume who is who. Are you angry at me? Do you hate me?
I worked in a prison for a small while - putting on my badge and living with eyes always opened. No space left unturned, no door left unlocked - all are able to turn on you - waiting for a moment of mishap or weakness. No longer does an uncalculated move mean a more long and laborious morning - where perhaps you need a locksmith or have to cancel your debit cards from a lost wallet - here it could mean your life. Truly.
How does one carry such an awareness without draining away all energy. Not locking yourself up in your room - hiding away from such a harsh world. To engage free of fear. To live and move and breath in such hostility. Trust people.
The answer is truly fellowship with the Godhead. It's a necessary connection to the King of the Nations - the One who holds the entire universe in His palm. Who is a moment can wipe out armies from a mere word from His mouth. The Shifter and the Shaker. If I have come to labor alone - it is for nothing. I must quit - because it's not even safe. It's stupid. IT IS STUPID to be here apart from the vine. It is suicide. Without connection and collection from a Friend - I am a walking target for darkness. I need light within and around. I need power before and behind. I need a voice that says, "Here is the way - walk in in it." No longer is my desperation to preserve a sinking heart, but it is truly to remain alive and in the light. Outside of His will does not appear lonely, but devastating. It's death. To live is to cling to Him like a teething child, it's to lay almost lifeless like a newborn crying without words as if to say, "Take me here and there. Feed me. Cloth me. Left to my own devices I cannot survive."
I'm not even crawling today, I'm laying in the arms today. That's all I can muster to do.
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