South Africa Day 13

I'm quite sure no one reads this blog so it will hopefully be one of those weird safe places to process which is equally accompanied with the "letting it out into the vast cyber sphere" feeling. 

We have hit the ground, almost 2 weeks in, here in South Africa. It truly is a whirlwind no one can properly prepare you for. No one can understand. It is so deeply provoking and enraging and liberating all at the same time. A nation with arms so long they can reach deep into the deepest of places within your soul and stir up waters you knew not existed. 

I am angry. I am offended. I am burdened. 

To soldier on, you must effectively cut ties with your old life. Slice off so violently any chords that still remain to your heart. That, back there, is no longer your life. What you see so easily captured on social media, is no longer your own. You do not have a part in it. You have lost the key - the access code - to ability to step into that world. Things that felt so slightly uncomfortable at the time, feel like the safest, most comfortable of things as of now. You are now exiled from your own home - thrust into a place that feels dark and heavy and oppressive - a city and a nation built upon soil filled with blood screaming for retribution. 

Any sense of discernment cannot silence those screams. The groans for justice. For redemption. And the blood still pours - while American life strolls along completely disconnected from the suffering of the nations. I'd like to walk along whistling too, as I use to, oblivious. It's like walking on clouds - not being forced to be grounded so deeply into such a broken world - full of murder and hate and violence and fear and oppression. It's not a news station you can turn off when you please. It's staring at you through the eyes of the passerby's and those that walk miles two and from their barely paying jobs for the white men. Staring at you - recounting their sorrows - at times ripping your skin from you soul and seeing you only as that. The iron-fisted, treacherous white man that stole their land, their dignity, their peace.

It's hard to assume who is who. Are you angry at me? Do you hate me?

I worked in a prison for a small while - putting on my badge and living with eyes always opened. No space left unturned, no door left unlocked - all are able to turn on you - waiting for a moment of mishap or weakness. No longer does an uncalculated move mean a more long and laborious morning - where perhaps you need a locksmith or have to cancel your debit cards from a lost wallet - here it could mean your life. Truly.

How does one carry such an awareness without draining away all energy. Not locking yourself up in your room - hiding away from such a harsh world. To engage free of fear. To live and move and breath in such hostility. Trust people.

The answer is truly fellowship with the Godhead. It's a necessary connection to the King of the Nations - the One who holds the entire universe in His palm. Who is a moment can wipe out armies from a mere word from His mouth. The Shifter and the Shaker. If I have come to labor alone - it is for nothing. I must quit - because it's not even safe. It's stupid. IT IS STUPID to be here apart from the vine. It is suicide. Without connection and collection from a Friend - I am a walking target for darkness. I need light within and around. I need power before and behind. I need a voice that says, "Here is the way - walk in in it." No longer is my desperation to preserve a sinking heart, but it is truly to remain alive and in the light. Outside of His will does not appear lonely, but devastating. It's death. To live is to cling to Him like a teething child, it's to lay almost lifeless like a newborn crying without words as if to say, "Take me here and there. Feed me. Cloth me. Left to my own devices I cannot survive."

I'm not even crawling today, I'm laying in the arms today. That's all I can muster to do.

in You the fullness dwells...

they sing over and over,

"Jesus, Jesus, I love You. adore You."
and for You, the Son of man, my heart
BURNS.

for you, the Uncreated Being,
who always Was. forever reaching Outside of Time
He who stretches into and through eternity past.
The Transcendent God, filling the temple
with Your glory..
You
You.
You...

took on flesh, wrapped yourself in
a humble garb,
placing Yourself, He whom not even the HEAVENS
can contain,
into Your containable creation.
The boundless choosing to be bound.
Becoming, in a moment, by the Spirit
fully God.
&
fully man.

The Creator God, humbly stepping into
the vessel of His creation -
the unthinkable,
scandalous event

all for the sake of love.

and You are infinite.
and Incomparable
and altogether lovely.

Glorious. Full of Raging Power.
Limitless in wisdom.
Abounding fully in beauty.

And now You are a man.
Forever a man.
Seated upon the throne as a man.
A high priest. fully aware of my own humanity.
fully acquainted.

You love me, so you became flesh.
You are flesh, so we can become One.
We will be One, so that I can know You.
I will know You, so that my joy will be full.
My joy will be full, so my love will be real.
And I will love, because You first loved me.

This is the mystery of Christ & the church.

You in the Father.
The Father in You.
You in me.
And Us in Him.

Swallowed within the Trinity.

Hallelujah.
Hallelujah for where this thing is going...

for You, the great coheir,
the Son of God, the partner in welcoming home the Father,
for You my heart overflows...
gushes
forth
rivers of adoration.

For God wants a family.
And You want a wife.

and You are coming back to
make this dream within the heart of the Father
a reality.




you are Holy.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

sitting here.
and my headphones scream,
"come be the fire inside of me, until You and I are one."

and to my right is my little journal
with scribblings of such longing
asking Him to show me Himself.

as a Lamb
as a Lion
as a King
as a Judge

i know Him so little.
i know HIM so little.
FOR HE IS THE BOUNDLESS OCEAN,
and i have only just stepped off the shore...

and
then
to my left - my little orange bible is open
with the book of revelation
staring at me
beginning with the words,
"The revelation of JESUS CHRIST..."

and i am just weeping
weeping
uncontrollably

pounding my little fists upon this dining room table.

because I just want to know Him.
I WANT TO KNOW HIM.
and if I could, I would rip out
chunks of this Bible and literally eat it
if it meant
His Word would consume me

and I would be able to commune
deeper
with this HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL
SON OF DAVID
GLORY OF GOD
that dwells within my carcasssss....
which fascinates and leaves me
wounded with longing
to PARTAKE of the mysteries of
THIS MAN.

and I would never sleep another moment
if my waiting would
result in His face shining upon my heart.

REALLY.
i am NOT KIDDING.
i am on a pursuit - and THERE IS ONLY ONE GOAL.

and if i had to scream until my voice was forever gone -
if
if that meant He would walk into this room
RIGHT NOW
and SPEAK WITH ME what is ON His heart

if it were true...
i would.
I WOULD.

because
this is the ONLY reason I am alive.
it is why i awake in the morning.
I AM CONSUMED.
CONSUMED.
OVERTAKEN.
INSANE.
CONSUMED with THIS TRANSCENDENT ONE.

because once you have truly tasted.
once you have TRULY seeeeeeeen - even a glimpse.
you are UNDONE.
UNDONE.
RUINED.
WRECKED FOR A HIGHER VISION.

higher than anything this world offers me


OH TO BE FREED FROM THIS PRISON OF TIME
AND THIS CAGE OF CLAY
and to
SEE HIM AS HE IS.

Oh if only I could be awake forever...
because it seems there isn't even enough waking hours of the day
to FELLOWSHIP. TO SEARCH HIM OUT. TO EAT THE SCROLL. TO CONTEND FOR HIS APPEARING. TO KNOWWWWWWWW HIM.

i can't sleep, LITERALLY, i lie awake on my bed:
because "my soul is consumed with longing
for His law at all times..."
and if, if, IF i happen to dose off:
I AM VISITED WITH mysteries every night...
dream after dream after dream...
encounters.
WORDS OF GOD.

only to result in my wakening:
slain with even more LONGING.

this isn't poetic WORDING.
i am BEING COMPLETELY REALLLLL here.

BECAUSE:

to KNOW GOD.
to DWELL IN GLORY.
to GAZE UPON HIS BEAUTY.
to BE FASCINATED BY THE TRANSCENDENT ONE.
to SEE HIS RETURN.
to BRING HIS KINGDOM ON EARTH.
to MAKE HIM A DWELLING PLACE.

[has OVERTAKEN me.]

and here i am weeping.
hoping my tears will perhaps be an offering
upon which you, YOU - SON OF DAVID - will throw down FIRE from heaven

and maybe my tears,
WILL LEAD TO THE QUICKENING OF YOUR APPEARING.

for I am owned by You.
and this slave longs for the Master to
make Himself known.

YOU NOW OWN MY SOUL.

for whoever thought desire could be so miserable?
and whoever could imagine a human frame could handle
such passion for the Invisible God.

i feel as if soon enough i will die...
but death would be the greater gain.


and:

I WILLFULLY THROW DOWN the things of this world...
the fleeting pleasures of life...
HOW RIDICULOUS!
how ridiculous to PLAY IN THE SLUMS
when THE SEA IS CALLING MY NAME.

for nothing is a sacrifice,

if abandonment will give me greater access
to the mysteries of YOUR HEART.

TELL ME WHAT ELSE THERE IS I CAN GIVE.

because
time is ticking...
ticking...
ticking...
and there is so much left to discover.

LET ME KNOW YOU
LET ME LOVE YOU
LET ME KNOW YOU

[You. Jesus. You. Lion of Judah.
You. Slain Lamb. You. Returning King.
You. Judge of the Earth. You. Fully God.
You. Fully Man. You. Desire of the Nations.
YOU. CONSUMING FIRE. YOU. YOU. YOU.]

LET
ME
KNOW
YOU.

ohhhhhh, it's YOU again.

there are these moments in your life...
maybe they last an hour, or a couple days,
maybe even weeks or months if there is an unusual amount of grace.

these moments where you really feel as if you have conquered
self.

you know. that self that is wounded and
warped and that self that operates out of brokenness
and false mindsets and is weighed down by
chains.

self.

the self we spend hours praying about
and crying about and
trying to overcome.

well at least i am quite acquainted with this self.
it's been haunting me my entire life...
and i choose to label it with the title, "very messed up."

it's the self that sat on the floor of the dorm room
in green hall
and wept as i repeated over and over to tamara and kelly,
"He needs to come and help me. I need help."

or the self that suddenly loses all vision
or hope or understanding or perspective of where this thing is going.

it's the self that decides to unexpectedly knock on your door one day
and come in for a visit,
when you are quite fine, and actually somewhat victorious, without it.

it is not welcome.
it is not wanted.

yet self visits anyway.

and self likes to convince you, because of reason a, b, and c, that you will not be a successful wife, a "together" mother, or a emboldened and victorious minister of the gospel. self also has this tendency to travel with every book filled with every story of every previous failure, inadequacy, rejection, confusion, etc.

and it takes an incredible amount of energy to ask self to leave,
but self's entire goal is to suck from you all energy or life.

so it's a predicament.

this reminds me of precious Peter,
when he proclaims, "YOU ARE THE CHRIST! God's own Son!"
and Jesus lovingly tells him it was not man that revealed this to Peter,
but God Himself.

then moments later Peter is rebuked, Satan himself operating through
this weak vessel, for trying to keep Jesus from the cross.

one moment he's walking by the spirit.
the next the flesh, self, satan, whatever.
that which is opposed to God and His ultimate plan.


anyways. the last couple of days have been a new unraveling of
self still operating within me.
still vying for my life, my heart, my hope.

broken places within me.
i suddenly found myself looking not to the One who loves me.
but to the one who is called to love.
and i saw all these
fears
every where.

and it freaked me out.
my own frailty.
my own brokenness.
my own potential failures.

and I'm not just talking about fears like...
oh i'm scared to grow up.
oh i'm scared to fall in love.
oh i'm scared to be vulnerable.

which are all dangerous fears in themselves,
and i couldn't say they don't come knocking at times too.
but i'm more talking about those fears that are seemingly irrational
and undefinable at times...
and effect your day to day life.

like...
[and this is self at it's craftiest]

oh i have a fear of being out of control
and therefore avoid the phone and external schedules
and all forms of ignorance.

oh and i have this fear of risk... which can ultimately
infiltrate into all my relationships and the calling on my life.
and which is birthed out of never having
boundaries growing up and having a history of disrespected
personal boundaries i set.

OH THE DREAD OF PSYCHOLOGY

i could go on and on.


this is the reality of the glory of God within an earthen vessel.
this, my friends, is the earthen vessel.



----



but.
but.
but.

CHRIST IN ME IS THE HOPE OF GLORY.
My glory will never come, and cannot ever come from the earthen vessel.
no, no.
the hope of my glory...
is
CHRIST IN ME.

And it is a waste of time looking over and over
at the dysfunction that resides in the vessel.
no, no, no...
For if I ask, He will catch for us the little foxes...
all i have to do is ask.
and cry.
and plead.
again and again.
day after day.
even if it is amidst war.

make me holy.
make me pure.
make me like Your Son.
make me a lover.
make me abandoned.
make me fearless.
set me free.


and He will.
HE WILL.
because He loves.
He is Love.
and He came to make the wrong things right.
and to complete the good work He started.
and to bring us life abundantly.
and to be our help and to impart holiness and wholehearted living.
and to sanctify.
and to help us fight.

and, whatever anyway, ultimately He wins.
at the end of the day, His perfect love will drive out all fear.

man, HALLELUJAH.
HALLELUJAH!
and amen.

i want to be a moth to the Flame.

i suppose it's about time to write something new...
my fingers are so frozen they can barely type
and i always put my headphones it right before the tea kettle wails at
me to pour it into the cup.
then i have a roaring/boiling pot of water which makes tea-drinking
more postponed.

today was a rough day.
i like to type about the rough days because i don't
want anyone to think following the Lord is a lazy stroll.

it's a fight.
a fight for Love.

but rough day's usually end up to be the most beautiful.
i think He destined it to be that way.
sometimes, when days seem too easy, I get worried.
i think crying feels good.
i think screaming makes me feel alive.
i think pain creates desperation...
the ground where flowers of love come forth.

and so:
today was rough.

i went into the prayer room with heavy requests on my heart.
i found my little chair, behind a coveted table...
laid down my brown purse and blue tote i carry everyday of my life.

i pulled out my mac.
plugged it into the wall.

then my water bottle. my green pen, my purple pen, and my yellow highlighter. my book, "the imitation of Christ." and my journal and bible.

this is my career.
to seek the Lord.
to be in His presence.

someone with that job title should NEVER have a rough day.

but alas.
i was having a rough day.

first of all. i have no hair.
you think i'd feel spiritual or holy or consecrated all the time, right?
no. most of the time i feel ugly.
not, pull your blonde hair up in a messy bun and put on sweats ugly.
no. i feel like an ugly ugly boy ugly.
[and i look like one too]

haha.

[please don't leave me comments about how i still look beautiful.
that is not the point.]

no the point of it is to feel ugly.
is to be ugly.
to bear shame.
to house reproach.

the little song we all love and adore rings true,
"my possessions mean nothing, my beauty won't save me in eternity..."

yaya. this body's going to be traded in for something far more glorious.

and i just realize how everyday so much of who i am,
my personality, my essence, whatever
leans on this crutch of beauty.
however much or little i possessed.
i operated from a temporal root system.

that freaks me out.

and so this is good.
realizing in a year i'm still going to feel ugly probably.
this is good.
i'll become a new person. i'm excited for that.
that is inevitable.
i will be a new woman.
a woman who operates from transcendence.
and not these little fake crutches that can't promise me anything -
and is fadinggggggggg quickly.

hallelujah He makes all things new

so ya.
i'm sitting in the prayer room thinking -
"i am so ugly."
so shallow, huh?
SO SHALLOW.
but i was thinking it.
even though bald jenny is 2 rows back,
and a couple minutes earlier i ran into the 2 other bald
girls in the cafe.

but still.
but still.

and i just lay my little head upon the pile of computer/books
on the table
and start weeping.

weeping.
uncontrollably.

not just because i came to the realization i'm going to be ugly for a couple years probably.
but because i cared. and because i thought it mattered or something.
and because in that moment i didn't believe God had a beautiful
wonderful purpose behind this whole thing
that was bigger than me and my wanting to look pretty
for who anyway?

so ridiculous!

and we started singing the ballad
(and i wish you all knew the tune)
"No matter what this world may say, Your coming is near. Your coming is here."

and then I start weeping some more
(people rarely cry in the prayer room.
i rarely cry in the prayer room.)

because I realized that
none of it mattered.
none of it.
none of it.

that really I just want the Lord, and I want to please Him.
and if bearing shame for some heavenly purpose -
that is beyond my comprehension.
and if this somehow makes me more like His Son,
and ushers me into greater love...

then i don't have a moment to waste crying over
grass.
here today - gone tomorrow.


so then..
i get into this humiliation.
before the Lord.
humiliation that I waste precious thoughts on such petty things
vanity
vanity vanity
not just my ugliness but other vanities.
filling my thouuuuughts.
and i just wept in remorse.

such wasted moments.
dwindling away - thrown into the fire and burned up.

i was grieved.

so now i am weeping because i am ugly and i care and because i'm grieving over my thinking and caring about such silly silly things.

then they started singing
"In Your presence..."

and after that I was gone.
gone.
weeping and rocking in my chair.
in a different world.

they add in this line that goes,
"i finally found where i belong
i finally found where i belong
in your presence
i finally found where i belong
is to be with you, is to be with you"

striving ceases.
worry ceases.
circumstance ceases.

i was made for THIS one thing.
to be with the King of Kings.
to feel Him come into the room
and pour over me love.

THIS IS WHY I AM ALIVE.

and it all fades away, in a moment,
the room
the man next to me.
even the words become a hum
and somehow I can gaze upon
the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE
who requires one thing of me:
love.

that's all.

and so ya.

it ended well.
i was still weeping.
but i was weeping because I love Jesus.
crying tears of love.
loving Him because He loved me first.
and that's why he has me here at IHOP
and that's why he divinely orchestrates suffering
and that's why he slays me again and again
and that's why he asked me to cut my hair

because He loves me.
because He is full of loving kindness and mercy.
it's all for love.
it's all about love.

ya.



and i thank God i am ruined for anything less.
anything less.
and i thank God that He has lead me to my death.
for He only wants us to die
so we can truly live.
truly live.


and life is a vapor.
and i love Him.
and He's coming back.

AMENNNNNNNNNN


here's a nice little song:

----


and when you've been broken
broken to pieces
and your heart begins to faint
'cause you don't understand

and when there is nothing to rake from the ashes
and you can't even walk
onto the fields of praise

When the Rock falls
falls upon you
and you get ground to dust
no music for the pain

You opened the windows
the windows of heaven
and then You opened me
and crushed me like a rose


but I bow down And kiss the Son

[You're teaching me to lean.]


Here's my heart Lord come and seal it.
It's all I have to give. It's all I have.



---

there is no looking back.

i lay upon this bed, the pounding of a desperate heart within -
harmonizing to the cries of the battle raging through my windows.
this is war. and i must either fight or retreat.
and to retreat is to welcome death in for afternoon tea,
laying my soul before it's sickening screams of deception
that breeds a forest of fears ushering me straight to my grave.

and to be buried while the breath of life haunts me,
is a bridge already burned.

and so i sign up once again to war for reality.
to follow closely behind You, the perfect Leader, the perfect Friend
to silence the accussor by listening to the radio waves of love -
broadcasted from Your heart of desire for me and transmitted by the wound in Your side.

for i am in need of You, as the army of old surrounds me in the valley of my own heartache.
as the blood from yesterday's mistakes cries out to my heart - still so bound by self.
yes, i am in need of You to break into space and time and become reality.
to bring the balm of truth to cover this flesh and blood, so weary of the enemy and so wounded by the battle.

for Your leadership is perfect, as you choose to act
or not act
as yo choose to come in this moment
or be detained by Your own infinite wisdom,
that leadership is perfect for this untrained, unrenewed, unable warrior.
it is perfect within my life. it is the way of love. it is the path of goodness.
it is.

oh but upon the grass so green underneath, but darkened by the ash of the burning of this body upon Your altar - upon this greyyyy sea of affliction lies my head,
housed by my human frame, which does not understand Your ways.

but in hope of clearing away death to partake of life I cry out,
"I am wrong! You are right! YOU ARE RIGHT! YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT! Your ways and Your commands and Your doing is perfect and good!"

for though the marching of the hordes of hell surround me
I will not raise my fist towards You.
I will not question the potter - for Your eyes are full of grace as the wheel turns and turns and turns
and I feel the movement of Your hands and the actions of Your heart.
yes, You are carried by the rushing rivers of love...

though the raging torrents do not look like the love i've been taught.
no, i do not understand its meanings and i am sure i might fail to recognize the song of love if it sang to me in the night...
for love brings judgment and throws men into hell.
love crushes it's only Son.
love will baptize the earth with fire.
love caused Job to say, "Though He slay me, I will trust Him!"

oh so prone to argue - to pass the torch of pain and suffering and affliction into the hands of misunderstanding rather than igniting myself aflame
oh let me burn in the violent flames of the crucible of Your ways!
save me God, from myself, from this heart still hiding in the house of yesterday, wallpapered with all my mistakes...

oh come to this ragged beggar, lying in this valley, unable to even hear Your voice amidst the thunders of the army drawing near
unable to see Your face as darknesssss begins to cover this earth.
COME TO ME! as i lie in the field which YOU have placed me in -
COME TO ME! as i fling this scarred heart before Your throne...
COME TO ME and BRING with You the Kingdom.

Set this soul free.
free to die again and again and again.
free to trust the coming fight ends in victory
free to believe the weak will be lifted up.

Because i'm so prone to run far away and cover my face with shame due to my untrained hands.
my gaze falls again and again onto my inability to hear the commands of the One who drafted me in - wooed me by His voice - called me into this battle
COME TO ME! because the victory is Yours.
the battle is Yours.
the fight is found in my looking to You.
So COME.
let me peer into LIFE.

And even so - I will share in Your sufferings here. here. here.
this side of eternity - where I can offer my devotion through the doorway of this earthly body, so easily discouraged, so quickly offended, so susceptible to bend beneath the accusation of the enemy.
In this tiny frame I will take within my body and mind all of what You felt as You abandoned Your throne to embraced the wrath of God and won Your inheritance.
because I have forever to be unquestionably by Your side, free from suffering, Liberated from the arrows of this world, loosed from this black army around me -
i have forever.
FOREVER.
so here - in this valley, so alone and so afraid, I will worship in spirit and truth.
amidst heartache and barren lands and my own folly and the wounds which You've inflicted in chastisement.

in this vapor - i will embrace the cross.
in this moment - i will love without seeing
now - i will choose You as others incessantly call out my name.

for the time to offer this gift of love is reaching it's end rapidly -
and i will not waste the opportunity to move Your heart...

even as the war rages on.
yes, even as the war rages on.

and though this hurts. i hurt.
and though i'm confused. peering up into a dark cloud about to overtake the earth.
and though i am so very, very afraid i will fight, proclaiming,

"HAVE YOUR WAY WITHIN ME! HAVE YOUR WAY!"

i will do what I know to do.
i will march to my death if i must.
but You are with me.
and i will fight for freedom from these fears for this life flowing in the blood of redemption and the hope of glory is more beautiful that any life of disillusionment.

for where else could I go?
WHERE ELSE could this one go?
there is no where - there is no one to run to -
it's You and I. I and You.
in this valley.
in this valley.

and that's how it is. and that's how it will be be.
even if the sword reaches me - sucking life from this tent i reside in,
EVEN then, nothing could invade this reality of being with You.
Your name is enough to bring life back from the dead.

but i confess.
i don't know what i am doing.
i don't know where i am going.
and i am not sure if i even fully know my place,
in this moment. at this moment.
but i will reach out to You in the midst of the tension -
i will run to You though it seems there is no where to run - locked in the prison of time, waiting... waiting... waiting...

and even if I am only a little girl, lying down in this field, so far from Your reality, so drenched in the enemies cries - even if I am here..
and can only mutter the request, "Come."

Even if.

this request I will lift up - trusting You are the One who fights for me.
You are the One who anoints me.
You are the One who will come to this valley and pick me up and dust of this war-torn face and CARRY me into battle -
carry me into life.

I couldn't save myself from hell, and I cannot save myself now,
from all these rushing, roaring waters fighting for my life,

so come.
so come.
so come.

Be who you LOVE TO BE.
Savior of the suffocating.
Father to the fatherless.
the Man after this heart.

& I will respond.
fearlessly.
believing my response matters -
believing my response will lead me into the welcoming of Your heart.
unafraid and unashamed.

running in the spirit.

words. words. words.
how they tire me so.
letters embracing each other into syllables, syntax, sentences...
silent, voiceless little characters.
colorless and lifeless mirages.

you can stare into them, yet they remain
lines perched upon a white sheet.

like grave stones.
like grave stones.

above the dead man.
a hollowed one, a box full of bones

they are only a little, worn out postcard with scribbled ink
soaked up into a photograph
of a distant land

a whirlwind of emotion.

yet in these moments its my only means,
as weak as it seems
to yank out the roaring waters within and push them into an understanding
other than just my own.
for behind these lonely eyes is a circus of reds and yellows
shrieks and swirling MOTTTTIOOOOONNNNN
of hands that have touched, or held, or touched
melodies. backed by symphonies.
strings swelling as my heart, dressed up as a simple, blonde girl
flings herself to and fro like a rag doll
liberated because something within caught a
GLIMPSE of a man named Invisible
a lion roaring in the darkness, and the resounding
sound of passion splatters light
into a once blind heart.

there are visionsssss put on display behind eyelids, that have the
power to burn into a soul
harder, faster, gentler than any embrace found on the outside.

it is wonder.

and it's more than a w-o-n-d-e-r.
it's REALITY because this is touching the hem of LOVE.
which never fades away - when the avalanche of the throne of God
collides into this black abyss we call life.

love shall remain.

and this love that haunts the screen of my spirit is a
rushing waterfall of divinity and fire and screams of
all the abandonments that were worth it, all the trades of petty trinkets for strings and strings and strings of gold,
this is more than i knew i was stepping into
this is more than i was ready for
this is more than this weak one can handle

barred by time, time, time.
skin, skin, skin.
this unglorified being
that rattles the cage of now.
longing plagues this prisoner of hope

for then. when i will see the eyes of flaming fire.
and all this overwhelming beauty that has wounded me and left me mourning for
His coming.
when all of these rhythms and beats dancing to the colors of morning fading into night, night, darkness of waiting. waiting. waiting, the great epic drama locked in by my skin and bones,
singing to me from within... will be set free.


that is when i can do away with these WORDS. words. words.
and paint the harmonies of what i see, feel, live in...
hidden from the outside.
far away.
far away.
far away.
far away from any others.

but for now this postcard of letters is all i have. all i have. all i have to threaten the accusations before my eyes. to throw rejections at the luxurious invitation of self-pity. to keep the chains of despair from crawling back up to my neck.

and so words will be my drug to appease this season of
tension.




and to that the choruses sing, "amen&amen."