i want to be a moth to the Flame.

i suppose it's about time to write something new...
my fingers are so frozen they can barely type
and i always put my headphones it right before the tea kettle wails at
me to pour it into the cup.
then i have a roaring/boiling pot of water which makes tea-drinking
more postponed.

today was a rough day.
i like to type about the rough days because i don't
want anyone to think following the Lord is a lazy stroll.

it's a fight.
a fight for Love.

but rough day's usually end up to be the most beautiful.
i think He destined it to be that way.
sometimes, when days seem too easy, I get worried.
i think crying feels good.
i think screaming makes me feel alive.
i think pain creates desperation...
the ground where flowers of love come forth.

and so:
today was rough.

i went into the prayer room with heavy requests on my heart.
i found my little chair, behind a coveted table...
laid down my brown purse and blue tote i carry everyday of my life.

i pulled out my mac.
plugged it into the wall.

then my water bottle. my green pen, my purple pen, and my yellow highlighter. my book, "the imitation of Christ." and my journal and bible.

this is my career.
to seek the Lord.
to be in His presence.

someone with that job title should NEVER have a rough day.

but alas.
i was having a rough day.

first of all. i have no hair.
you think i'd feel spiritual or holy or consecrated all the time, right?
no. most of the time i feel ugly.
not, pull your blonde hair up in a messy bun and put on sweats ugly.
no. i feel like an ugly ugly boy ugly.
[and i look like one too]

haha.

[please don't leave me comments about how i still look beautiful.
that is not the point.]

no the point of it is to feel ugly.
is to be ugly.
to bear shame.
to house reproach.

the little song we all love and adore rings true,
"my possessions mean nothing, my beauty won't save me in eternity..."

yaya. this body's going to be traded in for something far more glorious.

and i just realize how everyday so much of who i am,
my personality, my essence, whatever
leans on this crutch of beauty.
however much or little i possessed.
i operated from a temporal root system.

that freaks me out.

and so this is good.
realizing in a year i'm still going to feel ugly probably.
this is good.
i'll become a new person. i'm excited for that.
that is inevitable.
i will be a new woman.
a woman who operates from transcendence.
and not these little fake crutches that can't promise me anything -
and is fadinggggggggg quickly.

hallelujah He makes all things new

so ya.
i'm sitting in the prayer room thinking -
"i am so ugly."
so shallow, huh?
SO SHALLOW.
but i was thinking it.
even though bald jenny is 2 rows back,
and a couple minutes earlier i ran into the 2 other bald
girls in the cafe.

but still.
but still.

and i just lay my little head upon the pile of computer/books
on the table
and start weeping.

weeping.
uncontrollably.

not just because i came to the realization i'm going to be ugly for a couple years probably.
but because i cared. and because i thought it mattered or something.
and because in that moment i didn't believe God had a beautiful
wonderful purpose behind this whole thing
that was bigger than me and my wanting to look pretty
for who anyway?

so ridiculous!

and we started singing the ballad
(and i wish you all knew the tune)
"No matter what this world may say, Your coming is near. Your coming is here."

and then I start weeping some more
(people rarely cry in the prayer room.
i rarely cry in the prayer room.)

because I realized that
none of it mattered.
none of it.
none of it.

that really I just want the Lord, and I want to please Him.
and if bearing shame for some heavenly purpose -
that is beyond my comprehension.
and if this somehow makes me more like His Son,
and ushers me into greater love...

then i don't have a moment to waste crying over
grass.
here today - gone tomorrow.


so then..
i get into this humiliation.
before the Lord.
humiliation that I waste precious thoughts on such petty things
vanity
vanity vanity
not just my ugliness but other vanities.
filling my thouuuuughts.
and i just wept in remorse.

such wasted moments.
dwindling away - thrown into the fire and burned up.

i was grieved.

so now i am weeping because i am ugly and i care and because i'm grieving over my thinking and caring about such silly silly things.

then they started singing
"In Your presence..."

and after that I was gone.
gone.
weeping and rocking in my chair.
in a different world.

they add in this line that goes,
"i finally found where i belong
i finally found where i belong
in your presence
i finally found where i belong
is to be with you, is to be with you"

striving ceases.
worry ceases.
circumstance ceases.

i was made for THIS one thing.
to be with the King of Kings.
to feel Him come into the room
and pour over me love.

THIS IS WHY I AM ALIVE.

and it all fades away, in a moment,
the room
the man next to me.
even the words become a hum
and somehow I can gaze upon
the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE
who requires one thing of me:
love.

that's all.

and so ya.

it ended well.
i was still weeping.
but i was weeping because I love Jesus.
crying tears of love.
loving Him because He loved me first.
and that's why he has me here at IHOP
and that's why he divinely orchestrates suffering
and that's why he slays me again and again
and that's why he asked me to cut my hair

because He loves me.
because He is full of loving kindness and mercy.
it's all for love.
it's all about love.

ya.



and i thank God i am ruined for anything less.
anything less.
and i thank God that He has lead me to my death.
for He only wants us to die
so we can truly live.
truly live.


and life is a vapor.
and i love Him.
and He's coming back.

AMENNNNNNNNNN


here's a nice little song:

----


and when you've been broken
broken to pieces
and your heart begins to faint
'cause you don't understand

and when there is nothing to rake from the ashes
and you can't even walk
onto the fields of praise

When the Rock falls
falls upon you
and you get ground to dust
no music for the pain

You opened the windows
the windows of heaven
and then You opened me
and crushed me like a rose


but I bow down And kiss the Son

[You're teaching me to lean.]


Here's my heart Lord come and seal it.
It's all I have to give. It's all I have.



---