ohhhhhh, it's YOU again.

there are these moments in your life...
maybe they last an hour, or a couple days,
maybe even weeks or months if there is an unusual amount of grace.

these moments where you really feel as if you have conquered
self.

you know. that self that is wounded and
warped and that self that operates out of brokenness
and false mindsets and is weighed down by
chains.

self.

the self we spend hours praying about
and crying about and
trying to overcome.

well at least i am quite acquainted with this self.
it's been haunting me my entire life...
and i choose to label it with the title, "very messed up."

it's the self that sat on the floor of the dorm room
in green hall
and wept as i repeated over and over to tamara and kelly,
"He needs to come and help me. I need help."

or the self that suddenly loses all vision
or hope or understanding or perspective of where this thing is going.

it's the self that decides to unexpectedly knock on your door one day
and come in for a visit,
when you are quite fine, and actually somewhat victorious, without it.

it is not welcome.
it is not wanted.

yet self visits anyway.

and self likes to convince you, because of reason a, b, and c, that you will not be a successful wife, a "together" mother, or a emboldened and victorious minister of the gospel. self also has this tendency to travel with every book filled with every story of every previous failure, inadequacy, rejection, confusion, etc.

and it takes an incredible amount of energy to ask self to leave,
but self's entire goal is to suck from you all energy or life.

so it's a predicament.

this reminds me of precious Peter,
when he proclaims, "YOU ARE THE CHRIST! God's own Son!"
and Jesus lovingly tells him it was not man that revealed this to Peter,
but God Himself.

then moments later Peter is rebuked, Satan himself operating through
this weak vessel, for trying to keep Jesus from the cross.

one moment he's walking by the spirit.
the next the flesh, self, satan, whatever.
that which is opposed to God and His ultimate plan.


anyways. the last couple of days have been a new unraveling of
self still operating within me.
still vying for my life, my heart, my hope.

broken places within me.
i suddenly found myself looking not to the One who loves me.
but to the one who is called to love.
and i saw all these
fears
every where.

and it freaked me out.
my own frailty.
my own brokenness.
my own potential failures.

and I'm not just talking about fears like...
oh i'm scared to grow up.
oh i'm scared to fall in love.
oh i'm scared to be vulnerable.

which are all dangerous fears in themselves,
and i couldn't say they don't come knocking at times too.
but i'm more talking about those fears that are seemingly irrational
and undefinable at times...
and effect your day to day life.

like...
[and this is self at it's craftiest]

oh i have a fear of being out of control
and therefore avoid the phone and external schedules
and all forms of ignorance.

oh and i have this fear of risk... which can ultimately
infiltrate into all my relationships and the calling on my life.
and which is birthed out of never having
boundaries growing up and having a history of disrespected
personal boundaries i set.

OH THE DREAD OF PSYCHOLOGY

i could go on and on.


this is the reality of the glory of God within an earthen vessel.
this, my friends, is the earthen vessel.



----



but.
but.
but.

CHRIST IN ME IS THE HOPE OF GLORY.
My glory will never come, and cannot ever come from the earthen vessel.
no, no.
the hope of my glory...
is
CHRIST IN ME.

And it is a waste of time looking over and over
at the dysfunction that resides in the vessel.
no, no, no...
For if I ask, He will catch for us the little foxes...
all i have to do is ask.
and cry.
and plead.
again and again.
day after day.
even if it is amidst war.

make me holy.
make me pure.
make me like Your Son.
make me a lover.
make me abandoned.
make me fearless.
set me free.


and He will.
HE WILL.
because He loves.
He is Love.
and He came to make the wrong things right.
and to complete the good work He started.
and to bring us life abundantly.
and to be our help and to impart holiness and wholehearted living.
and to sanctify.
and to help us fight.

and, whatever anyway, ultimately He wins.
at the end of the day, His perfect love will drive out all fear.

man, HALLELUJAH.
HALLELUJAH!
and amen.