there is no looking back.

i lay upon this bed, the pounding of a desperate heart within -
harmonizing to the cries of the battle raging through my windows.
this is war. and i must either fight or retreat.
and to retreat is to welcome death in for afternoon tea,
laying my soul before it's sickening screams of deception
that breeds a forest of fears ushering me straight to my grave.

and to be buried while the breath of life haunts me,
is a bridge already burned.

and so i sign up once again to war for reality.
to follow closely behind You, the perfect Leader, the perfect Friend
to silence the accussor by listening to the radio waves of love -
broadcasted from Your heart of desire for me and transmitted by the wound in Your side.

for i am in need of You, as the army of old surrounds me in the valley of my own heartache.
as the blood from yesterday's mistakes cries out to my heart - still so bound by self.
yes, i am in need of You to break into space and time and become reality.
to bring the balm of truth to cover this flesh and blood, so weary of the enemy and so wounded by the battle.

for Your leadership is perfect, as you choose to act
or not act
as yo choose to come in this moment
or be detained by Your own infinite wisdom,
that leadership is perfect for this untrained, unrenewed, unable warrior.
it is perfect within my life. it is the way of love. it is the path of goodness.
it is.

oh but upon the grass so green underneath, but darkened by the ash of the burning of this body upon Your altar - upon this greyyyy sea of affliction lies my head,
housed by my human frame, which does not understand Your ways.

but in hope of clearing away death to partake of life I cry out,
"I am wrong! You are right! YOU ARE RIGHT! YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT! Your ways and Your commands and Your doing is perfect and good!"

for though the marching of the hordes of hell surround me
I will not raise my fist towards You.
I will not question the potter - for Your eyes are full of grace as the wheel turns and turns and turns
and I feel the movement of Your hands and the actions of Your heart.
yes, You are carried by the rushing rivers of love...

though the raging torrents do not look like the love i've been taught.
no, i do not understand its meanings and i am sure i might fail to recognize the song of love if it sang to me in the night...
for love brings judgment and throws men into hell.
love crushes it's only Son.
love will baptize the earth with fire.
love caused Job to say, "Though He slay me, I will trust Him!"

oh so prone to argue - to pass the torch of pain and suffering and affliction into the hands of misunderstanding rather than igniting myself aflame
oh let me burn in the violent flames of the crucible of Your ways!
save me God, from myself, from this heart still hiding in the house of yesterday, wallpapered with all my mistakes...

oh come to this ragged beggar, lying in this valley, unable to even hear Your voice amidst the thunders of the army drawing near
unable to see Your face as darknesssss begins to cover this earth.
COME TO ME! as i lie in the field which YOU have placed me in -
COME TO ME! as i fling this scarred heart before Your throne...
COME TO ME and BRING with You the Kingdom.

Set this soul free.
free to die again and again and again.
free to trust the coming fight ends in victory
free to believe the weak will be lifted up.

Because i'm so prone to run far away and cover my face with shame due to my untrained hands.
my gaze falls again and again onto my inability to hear the commands of the One who drafted me in - wooed me by His voice - called me into this battle
COME TO ME! because the victory is Yours.
the battle is Yours.
the fight is found in my looking to You.
So COME.
let me peer into LIFE.

And even so - I will share in Your sufferings here. here. here.
this side of eternity - where I can offer my devotion through the doorway of this earthly body, so easily discouraged, so quickly offended, so susceptible to bend beneath the accusation of the enemy.
In this tiny frame I will take within my body and mind all of what You felt as You abandoned Your throne to embraced the wrath of God and won Your inheritance.
because I have forever to be unquestionably by Your side, free from suffering, Liberated from the arrows of this world, loosed from this black army around me -
i have forever.
FOREVER.
so here - in this valley, so alone and so afraid, I will worship in spirit and truth.
amidst heartache and barren lands and my own folly and the wounds which You've inflicted in chastisement.

in this vapor - i will embrace the cross.
in this moment - i will love without seeing
now - i will choose You as others incessantly call out my name.

for the time to offer this gift of love is reaching it's end rapidly -
and i will not waste the opportunity to move Your heart...

even as the war rages on.
yes, even as the war rages on.

and though this hurts. i hurt.
and though i'm confused. peering up into a dark cloud about to overtake the earth.
and though i am so very, very afraid i will fight, proclaiming,

"HAVE YOUR WAY WITHIN ME! HAVE YOUR WAY!"

i will do what I know to do.
i will march to my death if i must.
but You are with me.
and i will fight for freedom from these fears for this life flowing in the blood of redemption and the hope of glory is more beautiful that any life of disillusionment.

for where else could I go?
WHERE ELSE could this one go?
there is no where - there is no one to run to -
it's You and I. I and You.
in this valley.
in this valley.

and that's how it is. and that's how it will be be.
even if the sword reaches me - sucking life from this tent i reside in,
EVEN then, nothing could invade this reality of being with You.
Your name is enough to bring life back from the dead.

but i confess.
i don't know what i am doing.
i don't know where i am going.
and i am not sure if i even fully know my place,
in this moment. at this moment.
but i will reach out to You in the midst of the tension -
i will run to You though it seems there is no where to run - locked in the prison of time, waiting... waiting... waiting...

and even if I am only a little girl, lying down in this field, so far from Your reality, so drenched in the enemies cries - even if I am here..
and can only mutter the request, "Come."

Even if.

this request I will lift up - trusting You are the One who fights for me.
You are the One who anoints me.
You are the One who will come to this valley and pick me up and dust of this war-torn face and CARRY me into battle -
carry me into life.

I couldn't save myself from hell, and I cannot save myself now,
from all these rushing, roaring waters fighting for my life,

so come.
so come.
so come.

Be who you LOVE TO BE.
Savior of the suffocating.
Father to the fatherless.
the Man after this heart.

& I will respond.
fearlessly.
believing my response matters -
believing my response will lead me into the welcoming of Your heart.
unafraid and unashamed.